Something about today, it is the first day of the month. First days are no ordinary day for me. The 1st of October 2010 was no ordinary day for my family. Let me tell you a story… ironic. Isn’t it? I have been telling you stories for quite some time now. Very well. Life is a story. But my life is a story written in blood as thick as tar, a projection of the sickest fantasies of anyone who knows of it. Nobody knows who I really am, all they see are versions of myself which I have spun for them over the years. You alone know who I really am, dear diary. You alone have dared to take a glimpse of my hell fire. Perhaps, not all of the person I. But you know me. So pay close attention now, this is no ordinary story… Stay transfixed to every word I write, connect to every fibre of what I feel, listen to the vibrations of my pen as I write, and I can only hope you are not as freaked out as I am. This is the story of Tony. The first person I killed.
After being startled seeing my parents on that dining table engulfed in such fierce sexual intercourse, something tripped in my head. A switch, a nerve, an instinct. I do not know. I became obsessed with sex. Sex was not the only natural instinct that made its way to the surface of my supposed young and charming mind-which my parents took me to be. I became obsessed with the human body and I wanted to exploit it in every natural and unnatural way possible. I was only seven when I watched my first pornographic clip on the internet. It amazed me, the fashion in which the hunky male character appeased the woman in such amount of sexual splendor. (It wasn’t that way with Princess. She had the power, and her hold was over me). Hence, I watched porn in secret, in the school toilet, in the bathroom, at night in my room. Right under the noses of everyone, I was changing. No one seemed to notice.
When I was twelve, a year before the fatal accident, I met Ruby. My mother brought her into my life. Perhaps, the one good thing she would have done years to come later. We had the money, her liquor business was booming. We could afford a house help. Ruby was our maid and she was expensive. She seemed to have style. She worked mondays to Saturday from morning till 6pm. She brought Paul and I home from school everyday. She wasn’t as beautiful as Princess or Vivian. She was 24 at the time, which was twice my age, and I immediately became fascinated by her body the first time I laid eyes on her that Friday morning as mother introduced her to the family. From that moment I wanted her. Paul seemed indifferent. I wondered why he could not witness my fascinations. I wondered why I was so different.
Tony accompanied Ruby to the school most afternoons to pick Paul and I up. He always wore a boyish smile that utterly disgusted me. Who was he? I had wondered. Why were they always holding hands? I became infuriated. One Saturday afternoon, Mum and Dad had gone for an event outside the state. It was Aunt Amara’s wedding. Paul was down with a fever, and I had repudiated from going if Paul was not going to make it. Although it was her day off, mum employed Ruby’s help to watch us that day. You could imagine my excitement. Finally, with my parents away and Paul bed ridden, Ruby and I were going to be alone.
“I believe in the lost possibilities that no one can see, I have died so many nights thinking I can not have you. I wish that you would see me as you see Tony. I love you Ruby.” Those words… How could I forget. I had been scribbling on paper anything I could think of that pleased the ear and I managed to smuggle the notes in Ruby’s hand bag before she left for the day. I left her fifteen notes in all. That was the first. And I remember as clear as crystal the words in each note. She became a lot nicer, held my hands warmly as she walked me home from school. I mistook all of these for affection. How Naive could I have been?
Boom! Déjà vu. I was taken aback five or six years back to the first night I saw a man and woman make love. The couple who happened to be my own parents. Ruby and Tony had taken the place of that memory. I was eavesdropping and I overheard Ruby on the phone with Tony, informing him of my parents absence and inviting him to come over. She later crept into our room and I had pretended to be asleep. Few minutes later, I heard thumps downstairs, similar to the one I heard years ago. Ruby and Tony caught up in a whirlwind of frantic sexual motions. I stood there watching them. This time, I was not awed, I was enraged. My eyes bloodshot. Tony was the first to notice I was watching. He seemed not to care. Ruby then caught a glimpse of me watching and she began smiling… she began laughing… I began screaming… she was screaming too… she was having an orgasm. All the noise had seemed not to bother or wake Paul up from his slumber. The air bore a fulfilling mixture of pain, guts, pleasure and passion. I have nothing more to write about moment, except I began to devise ways to bring an end Tony.
“If you speak anything of what you saw today, I would show these notes you have been leaving me these past few weeks to your parents. You do not want them to see this last one. Do you?” She had said to me later that night. “What a troubled kid.” She added with a stern tone. And I became immediately gripped with fear and worry. How could I have been so naive? I hated being a child. I hated being twelve years old.
Few weeks had passed and the persistent thoughts of bringing an end to Tony had not settled. It was like a fire burning inside of me. There was no escape. On the 1st of October 2010, my country, Nigeria was celebrating her independence. It was the perfect day. The perfect metaphor. I would celebrate freedom. My plans to bring about Tony’s demise was in place. Ruby was busy in the kitchen and I had used Ruby’s phone to text him to come over to the house, ofcourse pretending to be Ruby. I had mastered the way they conversed. Weeks of patience and creeping up on her phone to read their texts had paid off. I informed him that my parents were away. An hour later, a knock reverberated in the room where i laid in wait. Mum and Dad were upstairs in the masters bedroom and I led Tony into the house, into the kitchen. There was no wasting time now. I ran all the way up to inform my mum that Ruby had a visitor. She was infuriated. She would not hear of any explanation Ruby had to give. She went in to reiterate her disapproval and further to scold her, for she had warned her against having visitors over. When the tension had died, mum had gone upstairs to the masters bedroom to vent to dad. I waited a few minutes then called on Tony who was downstairs distressed. Ruby was in the kitchen crying. Perhaps, she feared she would lose her job. Tony hurried upstairs, and I told him Dad wanted to see him. I lied. As he made his way to the last step, all it had taken was one shove. And I plunged him down 22 feets over the metal railing that extended from both sides of the stairway. He died instantly. I hurried back downstairs and began to scream until everyone had come out to witness the gory sight that laid bare on the marble floor. He was rushed down to the emergency unit, but was declared dead on arrival. According to the doctors, he had died of severe brain trauma. Everyone had wondered what he came up the stairs to do.
My mother was devastated and out of pity my mother had let Ruby keep her job. The cheerful light which her almond eyes once shone had died. I couldn’t quite place what I saw in her eyes after Tony’s death- Loneliness, rage, anxiety??? I was not sure. In no time, everyone was settling back to life as usual. Tony’s family had come to claim his body. No demands. No suspicions.
Months later, Ruby had entered my room while Paul was away. She brought me closer to herself, brought down my trousers and put my penis in her mouth… and she began to suck. When she was done, she said “I know what you did.” And she left the room.
March 16th 2011, I could swear I saw Ruby inside of mum’s car. It was not her duty to tend to or wash the car. She stayed in the car for minutes. I did not think so much of it until now. It’s all coming together now. March 17th, 2011, mother could not get ahold of the brakes and drove right into an incoming truck. The next day, Ruby quit her job.
I was starting to remember…It began like flashes the previous morning… I could hear screams. I could feel her palpitating pulse and the surge of blood that ran through her veins as I kept a tight grip around her neck. She was pleading “you do not have to do this”. “But I do… you took Princess away from me” I said as I maintained my grip. I remember the pleas and cry of clueless neighbors outside concerned about the commotion… I remember how she died… of all the memories locked away by my amnesia, that was all I remembered.
Professor Obinna’s test results were out. Almost half the classed passed. Vivian had a 5, Derrick a 4, and Jeff an 8. Jeff was the brightest of them all. Professor Obinna had requested for the person of Samuel Ikechukwu.- my birth given name to come forth. I had stood up frightened of what he might say. He was so angry and he asked why of everyone I was the only one who missed the test. I was short for words. I simply told him I was ill. He did not buy it. He demanded I saw him in his office tomorrow.
This evening, the phone rang, it was not Princess. Iheoma was calling. My mother was calling. She had not picked up the phone to call me for years. What does she have to say? She has not said a word to me in years. The phone has been ringing all evening. I have to make a decision.
Dear diary, this is no ordinary story… pay close attention to every word I write…